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January 15, 2005

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The famous and well known action figure, G. I. Joe was found murdered and dismembered on a beach in Mexico this past week. 
Now this story may not have a leg to stand on. But from this reporter's perspective, I beg to differ. It cost an arm and a leg.

Sometimes walking on a beach can be a very calming and relaxing experience. The sunshine on your face, the sand beneath your feet. The sound of the birds and roar of the water as it crashes to the shore can be a very soothing and comforting feeling. That is until you come across the body parts that occasionally wash up on the beach. Then it can cast a dark cloud and put quite a damper on a day's activities and certainly ruin a perfectly wonderful weekend getaway.

It was in the late afternoon and Danny Gali, a resident of Tucson, AZ, was walking along the beach. While on a trip to Puerto Penasco, Otherwise known as Rocky Point to the American visitors that frequent the area, Mr. Gali had no idea that he would become witness to such a horrible scene. Mr. Gali had told this reporter that he was just walking along the beach enjoying the sunshine and looking for interesting seashells, when he saw it. He said, "Well I was just walking along the beach enjoying the sunshine and looking for interesting seashells, when I saw it." He continued, "I looked in the distance and saw something that just didn't look right. At first I thought it might have been part of a fish or something that had washed up on shore, until I got up closer. It was a leg. The smell was so overpowering I had to cover my mouth, and when I looked closer I almost got sick. But that actually could have been from the enchiladas that I ate earlier that day." Mr. Gali continued, "It was a horrible experience. Being more muscular, I knew it had to be the leg from a man. Because I'd never seen such a toned and athletic leg on a Barbie doll." Mr. Gali quickly re-assured this reporter that, even though he had seen a Barbie doll leg before, he insisted that he had never played with dolls in his life. He only recognized them from his sister's collection.
It seemed as though Mr. Gali may have still been in shock from the experience as his comments drifted back and forth from reality. Or he could have just been stupid. But his day of horror was not over just yet.
He said, "I gathered my composure and continued down the beach. I figured that the leg was there, the damage was already done, and I would contact the police as soon as I returned from my walk. But just a short distance down the beach I found another body part. This time it was a right hand and forearm, still clinched to a rock, with some kind of incredible gripping fashion that I had never seen before. I swear. I couldn't contain myself any more. So after throwing up on myself, numerous times, I ran to get the police."

Mr. Gali immediately went to the police to report what he had discovered. Officers and investigators quickly scrambled down to the beach. Special United States CIA investigator, John Doe, was flown in to assist the Mexican government and local officials with the investigation. Mr. Doe was on the scene and commented to reporters that he could not go into too much detail until all of the evidence was in. He said, "I cannot go into too much detail until all of the evidence is in." He continued, "But these are, in fact, the body parts of the well-known action figure, G. I. Joe. The hand and forearm, that were located, not far from the leg, did, in fact, have the famous "Kung-Fu Grip". The special-ops, trained ability only possessed by G. I. Joe himself. Now, as a representative of the United States Central Investigation Agency, I feel I must mention that I have never played with dolls myself, but as an investigator, it is my job to know these details." He continued, "We have closed off the beach in order to contain the investigation area and will surely come up with more clues to this hideous crime. What Joe was doing on Mexican soil at the time of the incident is classified and actually beyond our knowledge at this time. We are currently looking into the whereabouts of Ken and Barbie Doll who are wanted for questioning. If anybody has any information about these two, they are to notify the proper authorities immediately."

Some of the local people had claimed that they had seen Barbie and Joe together that weekend before the murder. Of course they all claimed that they had never played with the dolls themselves, but they had recognized them from other sources.

Another tourist, who asked to remain anonymous, was staying at the Playa Bonita Resort, and said that he had heard a loud noise outside of his hotel room, the night before the murder. He told this reporter, "I heard a loud noise outside of my hotel room, the night before the murder." He continued, "I opened my door and saw Ken Doll banging on the door across the hall. Now I must emphasize that I have never played with dolls myself, I only recognized him from TV. But when the occupants of the room didn't answer the door Ken turned around and walked past me. I could see a rage in his eyes. He was definitely furious about something." The witness also added, "I never got a good look at the couple that was staying in the room across the hall. But after that night they never returned to their room."

This is clear and final. G. I. Joe has been murdered. Ken may be a possible suspect in the murder. And authorities fear that Barbie may also have fallen victim to foul play. Ken and Barbie Doll remain missing and their whereabouts are unknown.

G. I. Joe's immediate family has been notified and funeral plans are pending the outcome of the investigation.

All of the incidents contained in this report are true. Well, except that G. I. Joe is probably not really dead. Ken and Barbie are probably not really missing. The investigation didn't really take place. Witnesses didn't really see Joe and Barbie together, nor did they see Ken in the hotel. John Doe is not a real person, nor does he work for the CIA.
And Danny Gali didn't really throw up, numerous times.

But he did really find the parts to a G. I. Joe doll, (with the Kung Fu grip), on a beach in Mexico.
And he really never played with his sister's dolls.
 really.

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