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July 18,
2001 |
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Koala Man; Chapter 3
* At the Oregon Coast *
The Adventure Continues...........
(Sorry I got a little
carried away on this one)......
Previously on Koala Man, our hero had been
totally disappointed by the
Cajon voodoo doctor and his inability to come up with an anecdote
for his
affliction.
With his heavy head hanging low he took the
advice of the doctor and
headed to the Oregon Coast to find the Old Sea Hag.
Upon reaching the Oregon Coast he is amazed
and fascinated at all the
interesting things there are to see and do there. Naturally the
first thing
he does is head for the beach. Shocked at how cold the water is,
even in the
summer, he still insists upon going into the water for a short
swim. You see
the water there is quite a bit more frigid than you would expect
because the
trade winds circle the Pacific Ocean and bring cold, Arctic
waters down from
the North and downward along the West Coast.
Unable to remain in the water our hero goes
exploring the shoreline and
tide pools. There he finds a myriad of sea life right there
before his big
eyes. Small hermit crabs duck in and out of their shells. No,
they are not
born with these shells but actually search for just the right
abandoned sea
shell to curl up in and call home. They seem to prefer homes with
a very
thick and durable outer shell. Very seldom, you may catch a
glimpse of one
without its shell for extremely brief moments while it passes
from one shell
to another actually trying out a new potential home. The hermit
crab is very
much similar to the crawfish, shrimp, and/or lobster except with
the
unfortunate handicap that it has a soft, fleshy tail. It must
find the
shelter of these leftover shells to curl up in and protect itself
from
predators.
Looking further around the tide pools, Koala
Man, sees many starfish,
barnacles, urchins, and sea anemones.
The Sea Anemone is actually a sedentary marine
animal that resembles a
flower. They usually have a cylindrical body that may be thick
and short or
long and slender. The oral disk, or mouth, at the upper part of
the body is
surrounded by petal-like, usually colorful tentacles. The ends of
these
tentacles, nematocysts, actually have stinging properties where
they can
paralyze their unsuspecting prey when they wander too close to
them.
The sea anemone usually stays pretty
stationary but occasionally will
creep or move about very slowly. Some species can secrete an
adhesive
residue which they can use to adorn themselves with grains of
sand, bits of
shells, and various other foreign objects like bottle caps,
pop-tops, hub
caps, etc.
Koala Man then decides to resume his search
and finds The Sea Hag but
discovers that it is actually the name of a small restaurant in a
little
town called Depoe Bay, just North of Newport.
Depoe Bay is actually
the smallest port in the world.
They did, however, have very good sea food
there at The Sea Hag
restaurant. After a few hours of gorging himself on crab legs and
lobster
tails he then notices that he had cured his hick-up problem that
he had
since the voodoo doctor's potion.
Suddenly an old crippled, wrinkled waitress shuffles
up to Koala Man and
with her raspy crackled voice she whispered into his ear.
"You will find
what you are looking for at the Silver Creek Falls National Park.
That's all
I can says, and I can't says no more."
Koala Man, excited by the chance of finding an
answer to his dilemma,
asks the lady, "Where is the Silver Creek Falls
National Park?"
She, puzzled and dumbfounded by his lack of
attention, repeats herself,
"That's all I can says, and I can't says no more."
Koala Man pleads until she finally releases
more clues.
"The Falls are located in the foot hills
of the Cascade Mountains.
That's all I can says, and I can't says no more." She
continues.
Koala Man relentlessly pleads again, "And
where's that?"
Growing rather annoyed by his persistence and
apparent lack of
appreciation the Sea Hag's eyes start to glow yellow at first and
then to a
deep blood red when she says, "They are just east of Salem,
Oregon! That's
all I can says, and I can't says no more!"
Like a homicide investigator from a bad
television cop show,
interrogating a murder suspect, our hero pokes and prods even
deeper. "And
where is that?" He asks, waving a twenty dollar bill in the
air. Then he
looks down at the table that seems to be lacking a tip and says
with a heavy
New York accent, "Maybe 'dis might bend your lips jus-ta
little bit."
The Sea Hag eyes turn back to normal as she
pulls a state road map, a
state parks and recreation map, a bright yellow highlighter pen,
a compass
and a brochure of the Silver Falls National Park out from behind
the counter
of the register. She sits down at the table and proceeds to show
Koala Man,
in detail, how to get to the park and the specific waterfall fall
and
location of what he needs to find. After placing a large
"X" on the map of
the brochure her eyes light up again. This time her veins on her
wrinkled
face start to pop up and her biceps appeared to expand as she
yells, "THERE,
STUPID, THAT'S WHERE YOU WILL FIND WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!
That's all I
can says, AND I CAN'T SAYS NO MORE!!!."
As Koala Man carefully slides the twenty
dollar bill back into his
pocket he quietly and calmly asks, "What am I looking
for?"
With bone crackling and flesh tearing sounds
the Sea Hag's face begins
to expand and distort into a hideous Ogre. Her biceps and legs
mutate and
blow up into enormous appendages. She suddenly grows from a four
foot stupor
to a ten foot gigantic monster. With drool running out between
the fangs of
her grotesque mouth the creature quickly grabs him by his
extremely large
ears and shuffles him through the restaurant and to the register
where she
stops and says in a deep, gnarling and growling voice,
"THAT'S ALL I CAN
STANDS AND I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE! That will be $32.95. PAY YOUR
TAB AND
LEAVE!!"
He quickly pulls the money out of his pocket,
pays and headed out the
door when the monstrous figure darts in front of him. Completely
covering
and closing off the only exit the creature leaning down and right
up and
into his face, the ogre snarls and whispers under a gurgled
voice, "Where's
my tip? you cheap Rat Man!!!??"
Whereas our fearless (stupid) hero replies,
"You don't deserve a tip,
you old hag."
Suddenly the ogre's vicious face dropped to a
more puzzled and discerned
demeanor and asked, "Wait a minute, what did I do
wrong?"
After a sluggishly long and boring
conversation that I don't feel like
going into and taking the time to write, Koala Man admits that he
is wrong,
pulls the twenty back out of his pocket and apologizes.
As he places the bill in her huge rough hand
her eyes suddenly stop
glowing and return, not to the glazed over, old, black, witchy
eyes, but to
a more bright and beautiful sky blue color like pools of rain
water. The
hands shrink down to a smooth, creamy white complexion as does
her face,
arms and legs as well. Her wrinkles and veins subside leaving her
skin as
fresh as a new born baby. Her hair smoothes back and turns to a
silky blonde
color and wavy texture as she returns, not to the old, wrinkled
Sea Hag that
he had met earlier but to a beautiful young and vibrant woman.
Koala Man was
breathless as he was mesmerized in awe gazing at this princess
that now
stood before him. She actually appeared to glow as she closed her
eyes,
tilted her head back and a soft warm breeze blew past her and
ever-so
slightly lifted her hair. It looked as if it were dancing in the
wind. There
before him stood the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
She leaned over to him and gave him a small
kiss on his cheek and with
the soft loving voice of an angel she said, "Thank you, have
a nice day and
please come again." Then just before he could say anything
else she spoke up
again and continued, "God speed and good luck in your quest,
Rat Man."
"I AM NOT A
RAT!!" shouted Koala Man, insulted, as he turned and
stomped away down the street.
So stay logged in next time when you will hear
(read) Koala Man say,
"WHAT THE @%#&
IS THAT?!?!"
