PAST

June 20, 2004

NEXT

 My father passed away in December of 1998.  This is the last picture I have of him, that I took, only two weeks prior to his departure. He passed away from heart failure, due to extreme damage to his liver. I certainly don't like to remember him this way as he had become quite ill from alcohol abuse.

I had actually flown across the country to attend my grandmother's funeral in late November. Not being physically able to attend the service himself, I took my father's place.  Already being depressed and delirious from the alcohol, I believe that grandmother's death had pushed him further over the edge and he increased his consumption. After my trip I was trying to think of different ways of pulling him out of his terminal spiral. But then a call came a little sooner than I had expected and I was too late. Only two weeks later and he had passed away. At only 57, a truly amazing, gifted and talented person was gone. Fell victim to the demons of the past that he had created over the years, and could not seem to escape from. 

In an attempt to try to ease the pain, forget the past, and accelerate his self destruction, he surrendered to the control of the bottle.

I have been, and I am still very sad that he left so soon. As I am sure, we are never ready to lose somebody so close to us. 

But now I don't mind sharing with people about the circumstances surrounding his demise. I would hope that, by hearing and learning about the situation, it might possibly make a difference in somebody else's life. Maybe just enough to give somebody the courage to say something to a loved one. Or to admit and to realize a problem before its too late. I don't have solutions, just experiences.

I'm still not sure if there really was anything I could have done. But I will always be haunted by the thought that there may have been something, anything. Surely there was something that could have made a difference. But the past is gone and we can't change it now. We can only learn and share and do what we can to work towards the future.

 As I look as this picture, and I reflect, I recall the conversation that we had at that moment. We talked about a lot of different things. But as I look back I feel that it wasn't enough and I always long for more. As we so often learn, there never really is enough time. 

I was fortunate to get to spend Father's day with my uncle Carl, my dad's brother, and had a wonderful day.
I hope everybody else had a good day as well.